Incomplete

Incomplete thoughts

Incomplete feelings

Incomplete memories

Incomplete endings

Nothing has been settled

Just hidden, forbidden, unspoken of

Enemy or friend, just someone unknown, no one really knows

Could be shaken or stirred, rocked and rolled

Or just be there in the corner undisturbed, unnoticed

Current and future status is a mystery

To hide away or stay in open for access is the burning question

Have you changed, have I, or have we both

Or do we remain the same in some odd way

There is no way around it there may be no answers or several answers disguised as excuses

One thing it is more than likely and will always be is incomplete

Maybe you are complete, maybe I am, or we are on our different paths

Maybe just things about who we are will always make you or me incomplete

I don’t know those answers – do you?

 

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Letting go in Someway

Are you close by or are you far away

Has much changed for you

Or have you changed much

Do you think of me

Maybe you just loathe me

I believe a long time has gone by and in your world I believe it has for you too

Why you left I will never know

Why you are still gone I speculate over and over

What I should do with all that I am unsure

My heart and head tells me to “just be” when it comes to you

Don’t chase or wonder too much

Something tells me you don’t care, think of me, and hate me from things that happened in the past

Then there is a small part that says I don’t deserve this and if you really cared you would say something

I can get caught up in this like a great philosopher trying to understand life’s big mysteries

Or I can be me in the moment

Still loving you but being able to let go in someway

Closure

What is closure is it a gift or a curse

Does someone give you closure for your peace of mind or their own

Does someone not give it to you because they don’t believe you deserve it or believe it is better not to

Is closure just something we seek for inner calm and understanding

Do people who vanish even understand how it feels to not give any closure

How the people on the receiving end wonder what happen or what you were thinking

Was it my fault that you went away

Do you hate me

Will you ever return

Did I ever mean anything to you

The wondering and questions are infinite and unsettling

Rattling me to the bone at times

What can I do though too provoke answers or closure

Is it really worth me poking at the beehive if you chose to do that and possibly don’t care if I exist or anything about me

Maybe people do it for the better of them and their true loved ones

But something deep inside me finds it so painful and tormenting to not even say a word

Say it then go, not waiting for my response

Would that be better though

Telling me how you feel or what happened then vanish, no conversation

I have been leaving this door open in hopes of hearing from you or closure, not too sure what

When will I have the strength to just close the door and not wait for you or any type of closure

The Unknown

I have been struggling with the unknown more than 4 months and going on to 5

It has been unbearable at times

But does not seem to matter to you

Not a word, not a notion towards me

Did you ever really care

Feels like years or lifetimes away since we last talked or saw each other

I think about you daily

Some days are less some are more like you are coursing through my veins and blood

Why you did what you did or how you did it the way you did – racks my brain

What can I do though, hope day in and out to hear something for you

Just wait for that day that may or may not happen

Do I block you and all avenues make myself a complete stranger and unknown

Like you have by now

I have read that it is best to eliminate myself from situations like these

Not be here and to do so within a year of dealing with someone like you or something like this

I wonder do I have the strength to do so

I feel anxious if you were to try would you be angry to not have me there

Or just continue on

You are a great mystery to me as I am to myself now

The unknown is vast and weighs on my like a heavy blanket

How far will we take the unknown

Am I strong enough to carry it through a little farther

Would you even care about what is unknown or if I am not there for you

Did you ever really value anything about me

Letters to You

As I look back and ponder where you went, why, how long this will last months or forever

I just don’t know, there are no answers to any of it

I reflect back on letters, emails, texts, other messages via many methods

I look at the way you talked to me

The way I talked to you

There was no love exchange or intimate words from you at least not seeming real but more of a lie at times

From me there was a scared girl of losing you, desperation, wanting more from you

The circumstances weren’t ideal we both had others

And I get it maybe you couldn’t feel for 2 people at once

Like I did and maybe that makes me crazy or maybe someone with a big heart, mind, and impacted by confusion moral issues

You had your own moral issues too no matter how much you made me feel the bad guy in some way

We were both wrong in so many ways

But was I so bad to not deserve a word

Maybe you thought best for everyone and didn’t say a word

Wish you know how bad the silence kills

The wondering and unknown

But after looking at letters from you I can see that you probably don’t feel I deserve much

Or care to share much with me

Maybe caught, scared yourself

So scared to not say a word, who knows

If you cared enough you would find a way or something maybe fitting or appropriate to say

Whatever that may me

I guess for now or forever my letters for you will only be to and for me

In the wind

Are you long gone like dandelion skeletons dancing in the wind

Are you gone like a senior who graduated high school in a convertible hair blowing in the wind

Are you like all the pieces of trash or recyclables shuffling around in the wind from night critters knocking it over

Are you the hand reaching out of the car letting the wind raise and lower your hand at it’s will

Gone in the wind almost 18 weeks or 5 months later no trace or remnant of you in sight

Not a second thought about me

Not a single word to say to me

All of it just gone in the wind

Did the wind take you to more than one place or just one

None of them coming back to me

Where are you in the wind

The wind seems calmer almost vanished now, but still no sign of you

How far away did you go in the wind

Will the wind bring you back to me at all

Will you want to or find your way back to be

How ancient will this wind be if it does take you back to me

Sun or Shade

Sometimes I teeter between happy and sad

Debating over where I am and where you are

Where we were

Where we are or are not together now

Secret parts of me wish you would say something

I still have dreams of you varying outcomes about what happened to you

Other parts of your life discovered

Heart to hearts with strangers that I thought would never happen

Told about you being found out and what happened with you

How does this affect me though

Do you blow up my changes or any progress in future

I have no idea what is going on with

Like northeastern weather

Rolling clouds letting the sun shine brightly

Or causing gloom and shade

I have no control over your storm front and it’s affects

As much as I wonder and care about you

I fear you as well

I thought understood or knew you but I don’t

One moment is sun and the next is shade and the future not really known